I'm struggling with nursing.
Or rather, weaning.
Right now, I'm deciding what's best for me and Finn. My goal was always one year. Neither Chad nor I wants Finn nursing when he's old enough to ask for it. Maybe that's an arbitrary designation, but I really just don't want a toddler pulling down (or up!) my shirt in the middle of conversation, and I think we're approaching the cut off point. So it's time. Right?
At least, that's what my head says, but my heart is breaking a little. There are certainly times when Finn initiates the nursing (with vigor!), but sometimes, I'm the one. There's something about it that I love. Whether it's the closeness, the instant calm, the comfort I can provide without hesitation...I don't know. I just know I'm missing it already.
I'm also a bit scared. I know that I can soothe my kiddo without a doubt by pulling out a boob, but I've been so reliant on that for 15 months (wait...it can't have been 15 months already!) now that I'm not 100% sure I've got any other tricks up my sleeve. I guess it's all a learning curve, this kid thing. This parent thing. This life thing.
Today might be the day. I just dropped him off at daycare until five. I've got a meeting at 5:30 and one at 6:30, so it's quite likely that he'll go to sleep tonight without having nursed at all. I wonder if he'll notice. I wonder if my body will just adjust like it's nothing. I guess we'll see.
I've been lurking since reading your posts on the NPR site, and I just wanted to say, in solidarity, that I could have written this exact post just now. I, too, have a 15-month-old boy, and I, too, am debating constantly about weaning entirely when I go to a conference in two weeks. I think what scares me most is the permanence. Like you wrote, this is pretty much the only sure fire parenting trick I know! And it makes me sad to think of never nursing him again! But I met and exceeded my one year goal, so...
ReplyDeleteGood luck, mama!
Aw, thank you! I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about the permanence - I'm sitting here (with a very full boob!) wondering if I should have taken it in a bit more yesterday - now that I think about it, I can't even remember the last time I nursed him! Oh man, I'm getting to be such a sentimental sap. Thanks for lurking! :)
DeleteHi Sarah - i'm a fellow "lurker" from the NPR site. Love your posts and Finn is adorable. I have an almost 12 month old daughter and we're still nursing. Not sure when we'll stop - the permanence of it is scary to me. I'm not emotionally ready yet, for sure. Such a hard decision!
ReplyDeleteAnd I loved your post about Finn being drawn to the litter box, etc. My daughter is obsessed with outlets (even though they're covered I still don't want her playing with them!), fan blades and slippery bathroom surfaces like toilets and bathtubs. I guess this is only the beginning of the worry...
Thanks for your blog!
Yay lurkers! I love it! Welcome to you both :)
DeleteAn update: I got home waaay after Finn's bedtime last night and thought, "this is it". I put on my tightest sports bra because I was already pretty darn full and went to bed. However, Finn had other plans and woke up at 2ish, insisting that it was time to nurse. So we're back to square one, so to speak. He hasn't nursed since 2am, and I'm feeling much more relieved. I guess there are bound to be some false starts in this process, but we're leaving him overnight for the first time next weekend, so I'm hoping we can make it happen by then!
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